So I’m sailing, yeah I’m sailing on / I’m moving, yeah I’m moving on / Sail on, sail on, sail on, sail on– Bad Brains
Moving… Whether it’s moving neighbourhood, country, house, or moving on from friendships that don’t fit us anymore, jobs, school, loves that have run its course, family that treat us poorly etc. we all have to do it at some point or another. Moving into new situations, environments, or on to new trains of thought can be daunting, overwhelming and just plain scary but… it can also be exciting too! It’s the way you choose to look at things. Instead of resisting the change, try to embrace it.
Most of the times we will choose to get moving for our own growth; sometimes though we’ll find ourselves in situations where we feel like we are pushed or forced to move on—I like to see it as someone else helping us with a little push along with our growth. If you find yourself in the latter category, as I have a handful of times in the past year—which I happen to be experiencing right now in my life in fact—the best piece of advice I can give you is from a saying my mum always told me: where ever you go, there you are. Let me explain…
You can never work out why people do what they do unless you are that person (I find even sometimes they don’t even know why though) so instead of trying to work out the puzzle of why and how it happened (which can drive you a little nutty and make you a lot sad) it’s time to “be like the water” as Bruce Lee said (see clip below). Get your flow on.
Sometimes in life—a lot if you’re how I used to be—we don’t like ourselves. We don’t have self-love. We move from one thing to the next hoping that it will fulfil our need and desire to be loved, accepted, or a part of something and ultimately experience happiness. The one thing though that most overlook (sometimes by accident or others by choice, hello denial! ha… ha) is that it all starts with our feelings and attitudes towards ourselves. If we are unhappy with ourselves no matter where we move or what friendships and relationships we find ourselves engaged in we’ll still be inherently unhappy. And, once the shiny newness of moving and our new friendships wears off we can find ourselves with a case of the sads again.
Moving your physical location or surrounding yourself with new friends and loves does not change who you are. It can definitely have an influence on you (hopefully for the better) but really how you treat others and your actions show how you feel about yourself. For any real lasting happiness you need to make peace with yourself. To a certain extent I believe I’ve finally found that… I’m smart enough to realise that life is never perfect, I know they’ll be more bumps on the road and many more moves ahead (hopefully intercontinental) but having committed to working on myself these past few years has really brought me to a wonderful place where I feel I have the tools and capacity to “be like the water.”
So, if you’re like me and you’re finding your life in upheaval mode (again) and you’re on the move: ride it and rule it! Stay positive! 99.99999% of the time better things are ahead. Keep your eyes on the road, yourself in the present moment and your heart and mind open.
I leave you with some thoughts for your day & some words of wisdom from Ms. Beyonce & Co.:
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.”
~unknown
“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.”
~unknown
“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me – I’m going to smile.”
~unknown
Forward ho! lovelies! I’m off to pack my bags :)
PS- Always take the high road in any situation and circumstance… take a deep breath, smile, find perspective and squeeze out every ounce of compassion you have and put it into the mix, shake off the negative and keep moving forward >>>>>>>>
One of my dearest friends in the whole wide world Dannii sent me the below ideas and thoughts a little while ago… it’s an anonymous poem. Now I know some of you may have an chronic aversion to anything called a ‘poem’ if that’s your caper, think of it as song lyrics or reading a passage from a book. Pretend I didn’t even use the ‘p’ word ha… ha! It’s about connections with others that you make in life. I think it’s a great companion to my Friendship Manifesto. Here goes:
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
~Unknown
Thoughts?
I’m off to have breakfast sandwiches! Have a wonderful day lovelies!
PS- Tomorrow is a super important day to me… I’ll be announcing my book release details in a post! I’ve been squirming in my seat wanting to tell you all for sooooo long! Be sure to check back!
“Health is a holistic effect. It’s not just a matter of cutting calories or working out or meditating, but a whole range of factors that contribute to physical, mental and spiritual well-being. I teach my clients to listen to their body, thoughts, and emotions as indicators of overall health and refer them to a specialist if necessary.” ~Dan Jones (book extract)
We all feel sad from time to time, it’s a natural part of life however sometimes we feel a whole lot sadder than others and it’s in those times we need to stop and have a look at our way of life, our habits, our thought patterns. In these times it’s also good to share how you’re feeling with a close friend. Problems shared are problems halved after all :)
Depression is a very complicated and personal thing, depending on a myriad of factors including genes, environment, lifestyle, brain chemicals, psychology and personality it affects everyone differently. What may seem like a walk in the park for you could be a serious challenge for someone else. Please don’t discount others challenges as silly, trivial or childish. I know you’re only trying to help when you say ‘Don’t be silly, it’s not that hard!’ but seriously, you’re not helping.
Throughout my life I have suffered numerous strains and bouts of depression (and a little craziness… ha, ha) and one of the things that would make me mad is people telling me, ‘Get over it!’ Seriously, I wish it was as easy as that! One of my family’s doctors even went as far as to say that ‘Depression doesn’t exist, it’s just laziness’. I could have punched them when they said that (and I’m not even a violent lady!)
Also, something else that I’ve found that can happen when you’re in the depths of despair is that it can temporarily blind you to everything and start to numb you. When you’re majorly depressed sometimes it can feel that the only pain that exists is your own. You start to not care about anything or anyone; you push it all away and isolate yourself. Please promise me lovelies if you feel this way you’ll pick up the phone and call a friend (and no texting or emailing does not count… you need the human touch in these times… although if it’s all you have text and email is better than nothing). The simple act of talking to someone (you trust) can make you feel instantly better and their insight could give you a fresh perspective.
In the (US) summer of 2006, in transit to join the Resin Dogs’ Euro tour, I had breakfast in San Francisco with a good friend. We got talking about depression over pancakes and eggs. The topic came up because I noticed a gnarly scar on his forearm and asked, ‘What happened?’ (typical Bianca style to just blurt out a ‘why? what? How?’ question). He told me that when he was younger he became so numb from being depressed that he cut himself because he just wanted to feel something, anything! He shared with me intimate stories of his battles with depression—when his band called it a day, feeling trapped in a relationship with the love of his life, his daily self-loathing and frustrations with celebrity.
A thing that’s always stuck with me from that conversation is, here is this great, great man that has achieved so many things with his work, is a hero (to a lot) and brought so much joy to people’s lives yet in his own, he struggles with his happiness too. Depression doesn’t discriminate; it doesn’t care if you’re black, white, brown, male, female, whatever. You can (to others) seemingly have it together and have it all on the surface when in fact your business is as messy as everyone else’s.
If you’re been feeling blue or know someone else that’s been down let me share with you some helpful things that helped get me on track. None of the below is ‘rocket science’ and I’m sure it’s all been said before by someone somewhere but it’s nice to be reminded. My greatest wish is that you (or your pal) will get something from this and get back on track and reach the Possibility City limits.
Photo by Allison Fahmie (my homegirl from the Jersey Shore)
Get Moving! Notice I didn’t use the dreaded ‘e’ word ‘exercise!’ ha, ha… throughout my life my attitudes to working out have ebbed and flowed, changed and evolved. I usually get super into something for a while and then find myself getting bored and my enthusiasm dwindles. I was the kid at school with the note for every physical education/gym class reading ‘Please excuse Bianca from class today, she’s unwell’. My teacher would make me observe the classes and write a report on what they were doing (which I actually won school awards for! ha, ha).
So why is daily movement helpful? It is essential to keeping everything in working order; it helps relieve stress, helps your organs to function properly, and boosts your energy levels and your mood! Physical activity alters brain chemistry, the serotonin levels, which can lead to feelings of wellbeing. My disco biscuit eating buds know all about serotonin (lol!)—it contributes to a range of functions like appetite, libido, sleep & wake cycles and mood.
When choosing physical activity to engage in the best advice I can give you is: Choose something fun! If it’s fun it won’t feel like exercise. I adore walking, swimming, yoga, hula hooping (my friend Jow makes awesome hoops for her company Circle of Light), skateboarding, riding bikes, surfing, dancing and making sweet, sweet love! ;) If you’re in the New York, Chicago, Miami areas, David Barton Gyms are totally insane. The decor makes them look like art installations!
Laugh! It’s free! Free! Free! And it’s the ultimate mood lifter. I’ve often heard it called ‘the elixir of life’. I am so thankful for all of the hilarious people I have in my life. More often than not you can find me grinning like a Cheshire Cat because I’m so amused by the antics and quotes from my pals.
As a sidenote, I thought I might mention that being amusing and funny does not involve making fun of or putting down other people that just = lame and boring and says more about you than the person in your firing line. Thankfully I have no people in my life like that anymore! Anyways, laughing is a great tonic for the sads ‘cause when you’re laughing you can’t exactly be crying, or at least if you are crying they’re happy tears. Join a laughing club, rent a comedy, engage in laughter yoga (watch the vid below), watch Bill Hicks, Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job (I love Spaghett!) or Sealab 2020.
UK funny man John Cleese talks to the Laughter Yoga founder:
Tommy De Vito (in Goodfellas): Let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little f*cked up maybe, but I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh; I’m here to f*ckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? …Like funny ha,ha funny?
Smile! Lily Allen sings about it and it’s a well known fact it takes more effort to frown then it does smile. For all the sceptics out there even science says it’s good for you. When I don’t feel like smiling I still try to smile anyway. I’ve found that if I start smiling the floodgates can crack open. A friend, Aflah from Ghana does this little ritual most mornings where he looks at himself in the bathroom mirror, makes funny faces, smiles and laughs at himself. Having the courage to laugh at yourself makes you not take everything so seriously, it can help to put everything into perspective. It can be the first step towards becoming your own best friend.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh, at yourself.” ~Ethel Barrymore
Get your creative on! Everyone is creative; despite the common societal view of creativity being an art thing. I’ve learnt being creative isn’t necessarily all about music, art, film, writing and the like. I’ve seen my pal CJ work creatively with numbers. I’ve seen my buds Zsolt and Andrew work creatively in their business dealings. When you engage in ‘creative’ tasks I find your mind has no time to be sad because you’re having such a good time. Being creative can make you feel awake and ready for new possibilities.
Other notable mentions: Music! I’ve talked a bunch about the benefits of it here and here. Using essential oils. I’m a huge advocate of aromatherapy. After trying it for myself and reaping the benefits I wholeheartedly recommend you give it a try (don’t worry I won’t tell all your punk, hardcore & hip hop friends you’re a secret hippie!) I think that the effect smell has on your mood is super underrated. Green tea, jasmine, rose, ylang-ylang, citrus and chamomile are known for their mood lifting properties. Positive affirmations can be helpful as can stroking your puppy or kitty friend can be. Spending time with your animals friends can help calm you and can promote happiness. Organisation! When you’re organised you feel in control, when you feel in control the world doesn’t feel as daunting and overwhelming. And last but certainly not least practice gratitude! Fight depression with gratitude, there’s no room for sadness when you’re thankful.
Much gratitude goes to the following bright lights in my world that have helped me when I’ve been down and out, feed me when I’ve had no money, housed me when I’ve had no place to go, listened to me when I talk in circles, encouraged me to keep going, to keep bettering myself, to believe in me and ultimately, to live again (man I’m crying as I type this, talk about emo! Ha!): Ant, Jhonny & Andy, Grover, Dannii, Sophia, Civi, Kieran, Prue, Miss Amy, Franklin, Z, James Thomas, Brian & Lisa I love you all beyond words. Your love, kindness, compassion and guidance mean the world to me. From my whole heart, I thank you.
*A big part of what compelled me to write this piece is the fact that I know a lot of people that suffer from depression at one point or another and it’s often a subject that people in general don’t want to talk about, discuss in the open or confront. For some, it’s apparently not cool to talk about the rough times; you just deal with it and get on with things.
Sometimes it’s simply not that easy. When I suffered my last serious bout of depression I had people tell me that they didn’t want me around because I was ‘bringing down their good time’. Those comments really hurt. It’s funny because when I’m ruling it and working on exciting projects those people are the first to brag to their pals that we’re such good friends, yet in my greatest hour of need they didn’t want anything to do with me. Please friends, be there for your friends in the tough times as well as the good times. Anyone can be there for party time! It takes real love to be there when there’s intermission.
Fight the good fight & derail the Desperation Train I’m waiting for you here in Possibility City!
“Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it.” ~Susan Sarandon
When I was little girl my parents always told me ‘Don’t trust anyone or don’t put expectations on people that way your chances of getting disappointed will be a whole lot less.’ Hearing that from such a young age pretty much set me up for the life of a lone wolf. As I’ve grown and experienced life for myself, I’ve come to the conclusion that putting your trust in someone and in your friendship with them is the foundation for building a solid friendship. Having friends in your life make things a hell of a lot more fun and interesting.
Lately I’ve had ‘friend’ related challenges in my life and I decided to put together a Friendship Manifesto:
♥ Friends do not do favours for favours, a friend does something for you because they freely want to and they enjoy that giving. It’s something from the heart. They do it without expecting something in return.
♥ Friends are there to listen in your time of need but do not rescue you, only you can do this for yourself. Otherwise you get caught in a cycle of always relying on others to fix your problems. A real friend recognises and acknowledges your capability to help yourself.
♥ Friends take responsibility for their actions. Everything is not someone else’s fault…repeat… everything is not someone else’s fault! Your life is your responsibility. Each event is a result of the choices that you have made and are making. Friends don’t blame others if things don’t go exactly the way they want. Use your power of choice when navigating the people in your life.
♥ Friends don’t need to excuse their bad behaviour because there is no excuse for bad behaviour between friends. If you respect each other you’ll treat each other respectfully.
♥ Friends don’t have ulterior motives. They like you for who you are and enjoy your company. If you’re not enjoying someone’s company maybe they’re not your friend.
♥ Friends don’t need to hear from or see each other every day (but it’s appreciated and nice if they do). If you’ve been apart for any length of time you just pick up right where you left off the next time you see each other. There’s no ‘why didn’t you call?’ ‘oh well, you didn’t call either’ moments.
♥ Friends support and encourage each other’s positive growth and are there to help point you in the right direction. Friends love each other the times they least deserve it because they know that’s the time they usually need help most.
♥ A friend asks you the hard questions because they genuinely care for you.
♥ Friends don’t wait for you to come to them, they come to visit you too! They make the effort to hop in their car, ride their bike, catch the bus/train/whatever… friends make an effort to see you.
♥ Real friends know when it’s time to walk away from the friendship. Sometimes when good friendships go bad we stay in the friendships, out of obligation or familiarity and start to hurt one another. In my experience a lot of people in general sabotage things rather than take responsibility and go ‘hey this isn’t working!’ Things just run their course sometimes, this includes friendships; don’t hold onto friendships just because you’ve always been in each other’s lives. Ask does this friendship fit me anymore? People grow and (hopefully) evolve, hanging on to friendships that don’t fit anymore can stunt both your growth. Love each other enough to call it a day.
♥ Friendship is about reciprocal cherishing, loving and caring. Some of you may be surprised to know that to be a good friend you need to be able to receive loving care as well as give it. Love yourself, love someone else.
♥ Friends bring out the very best in you.
Songs in theme of friendship playlist…
Ben – Michael Jackson
Friend or Foe – Jay-Z
Rancid – Fall Back Down
Friend or Foe? – Agnostic Front
The Friendship Song – Fraggle Rock
Friends Like You – Sick Of It All
Best Friend – 50 Cent
Memories Remain – Dropkick Murphys
Always Be – LaRue Umbrella – Rihanna
Best Friend – Queen
Here’s To The Night – Eve
My friends make up my own personal cheer squad! I am thankful for them every single day. How do you feel about yours? Have anything to add to the Friendship Manifesto?
My Pal by Australian band God… this is without a doubt one of my all-time favourite songs:
I leave you with the words of Kahlil Gibran “Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.”
“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough… The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. ” ~ Oprah
One of the fastest ways I’ve found to attract positive things into my life is to be thankful for what I have already. I’ve found that what you focus on expands and begins to permeate your whole life. Life is all energies. If you already feel like your life is abundant and rich then that will attract more of the like into your life. It’s all back to the basic law of ‘like’ attracts ‘like’ and the notion of what you put out into the Universe you get back. I believe that gratitude is recognition of abundance and an acknowledgment of blessings in your life. If you’re grateful you will have an open heart and be open to more opportunities and possibilities.
Giving thanks is going to become a regular thing around here. So get your gratitude caps on!
Things I’m thankful for:
Family. Though we don’t always see eye-to-eye I love my family greatly and I am thankful for them every single day. I’m quite intrigued by the theory that you’re born into the family that you are so you can learn the lessons you need to in life. I’m thankful that my father and I finally have a good relationship after all these years and he taught me to have an entrepreneur’s mindset. I’m thankful that my mother is still alive and kickin’ and that despite her advanced Alzheimer’s condition she still has a sense of humour; she’s forever clowning around with everyone!
I’m thankful my eldest sister Sharon is always so diplomatic—she’d make a great politician (ha!). I’m thankful for my sisters Julie and Juanita teaching me it’s okay to be myself and to go for my dreams (my mum also let them name me—so thanks to them I got a rad name! Yay! They named me after Bianca Jagger).
And my big brother Barrie, well there’s a million reasons I’m thankful for him in my life, one being he gave me my very first punk & hip hop records (see below… see how many you can guess leave a comment):
Friends. Honestly I know the best people! I have the best people around me. Nothing but the best will do because I know I’m worth it! (ha! I sound like a L’Oreal commercial). It’s taken me a constant culling of ‘friends’ and trial & error over the past few years to get it right… to work out who my true friends are and now that I have them, I cherish them forever.
There have been points in my life when I’ve hung out with people that treated me badly (and others) and who were just plain bad for me: mentally, physically and spiritually. I’ve tolerated a lot of people in my life and made excuses for their bad behaviour in the past just because they were my friends. I’ve learnt that life is too short to waste time hanging out with people that don’t make you feel like your most amazing self.
Friends encourage each other, are proud of each other’s achievements, help each other to grow and always act in a caring manner towards each other. If you love someone, you would never want to hurt them by behaving badly would you? I know I wouldn’t. If you really do care for and love someone there are no games, no disrespectful words, no putting each other down, no making each other feel guilty or talking behind each other’s backs.
While I’m on the friend tip I wanna give shouts outs to my homeslices: Dannii, Sophia, Anthony, Grover, Troy, James, Kieran, Amy, C.Pizzle and (my lunch companion) Prue. Without you all in my life, the world would definitely not be as bright—you help me illuminate all the possibilities.
What do you love the most about the people in your life? What do you appreciate about them?
Why not write to someone you love and tell them how grateful you are to have them in your life… send a postcard, write a letter, send an email, send a text message, pick up the telephone or better yet, make a play date! Friends that play together, stay together. Word.
And remember folks, gratitude is shown loudest in your actions not just words or thoughts. All three in unison is even better! A thank you costs you nothing. Start today and give good gratitude!
What are you grateful for in your life?
“The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche
